new song

yo! here's a rough recording of a new song i'm fiddling with. i wrote it recently, but it's about old old old old feelings. i'm planning on getting some help with this one from some good friends... maybe add a bridge in there somewhere.

anyways. here's "Untitled".



Lyrics

What a surprise
These fireflies
Under the surface of my skin
Wouldn't you know
It's how it goes
Oh what a quandary I am in

Cause you've taken the lines inside the pages of my mind this time
And the colors have climbed the walls; refuse to come down
And they've taken to flight above the site of where my heart fell once before
On this road
I can't let go...

Oh make it plain, no baby don't console me
I can't take another moment more
Just let me know if this could go or slow
Me down
Slow. Me. Down.

I saw in a dream
you beckoning
me toward the center of your life
A little absurd
When people heard
The thought of making me your wife

Funny, even in sleep I keep a handle on reality
No entertaining a thought that you would ever feel the same
It's also funny the need to see the words formed in your mouth to just move on
I'm insane
But who could blame...

Me. Make it plain, no baby don't console me
I can 't take another moment more
Just let me know if this could go or slow
Me down.
Slow me down (x3)

what i'm learning about Christian singleness

my thoughts have settled around some themes about singleness, lately; enough that i can write somewhat gracefully about them...  recently, i undertook the business of quietly denting up my heart. (an eleven-word sentence can never quite do a situation justice, but let's keep this thing blog-length.) when i finally handed it over to the Lord for mending, i had hoped He would do one of those presto-chango, "be healed!" things. not so much. instead He took His time. i listened intently while He worked and this is what i heard...


"Guard your heart...", but not from what you think.
i read somewhere (apparently 'proverbs') that i should 'guard my heart', so i tried it out for a while... i tried to guard my heart from falling for anybody. or at least from letting anybody notice it... ostensibly, this was to protect it from getting hurt/ being rejected. didn't work out quite that way....   so i wondered.. 'what gives?' it turns out i was going about it the wrong way... turns out that there are deeper cuts than perceived rejection.  the Lord was telling me to guard my heart; not from rejection, but from covetousness and idolatry. from unrighteous anger and discontentment. i've experienced first-hand how these sins were keeping me from fruitfulness in my devotional life.


i am so thankful for a God who is slow to anger, abounding in love and rich in mercy.  i am so thankful for the good news that proclaims His perfected work. (Phil. 1:4-6; ...) i am so thankful that He graciously allows me to completely let go of previous failure and move forward in this amazing process of sanctification. (Phil. 3:10-14)


"Let love be genuine."
love others from a 'genuine' heart, 'without hypocrisy'. this is obviously true in all my relationships with friends and loved ones.   i feel it is especially true when thinking of guys who.. catch my attention (?)... for lack of a better phrase.  particularly because sometimes personal motivations get called into question. for example, "am i doing X because it's a good thing, or to get Y's attention?". but i should clarify... i don't think these mixed motives are always ill-intentioned or sinful or even as plainly identifiable as all that. and i should also say that i don't think its a bad thing to have multiple motivations per se. i'm just saying that in my own experience, these kinds of mixed motivations were a distraction from genuine love and genuine service. i think this may pose a bigger challenge for me than others, but i've found that to love with a genuine heart can be risky. it exposes you to the possibility of being misunderstood and rejected... or worse, to be completely understood and still rejected......... =/ yet without that kind of authenticity and openness, others can only love the façade you've erected; the real you remains anonymous. and you are left wondering what the people around you would do if they knew the true you...


i am thankful that God sees the most despicable parts of me. He fully acknowledges my sin for what it is--worthy of judgment--yet still loves me. fiercely! and more than anyone else ever could. this genuine love is on full display at calvary's cross. i am thankful that i am fearfully and wonderfully made. things that can be a source of insecurity are actually His wisdom and providence at work... He calls me lovely. He rejoices over me as a part of His bride, the Church. =) on this firm foundation of divine acceptance, i can love others without fear...   or at least ...theoretically. =) i am finding that, the more i embrace these truths in my heart, the better i am able to love without hypocrisy and insecurity. i am praying that this truth would fully shape the way i view and relate to others.


"Live as you are called"
(i.e., cross-centered contentment). i've been reading and hearing whispers of this idea of contentment quite often the past three or four months.  paul's encouragement in philippians 4:11 is all about this idea.  i think contentment is a very powerful means of witness. it lets the world know that the most precious gift i have received is Christ's work on the cross, which allows me free access to the throne of grace. the contentment of other believers renews my certainty that we have found a more precious gift than the world can offer.

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it. (matthew 13:44-46)

"Be transformed by the renewing of your minds..."
some parts of me--(the parts that i don't allow to speak in public)--have been afraid that my 20's will become some sort of bizarre rehashing of "27 Dresses". i have been guilty of accepting and propagating the idea that my singleness is an undesirable state that serves as a kind of holding pattern until my 'real' life starts. ...until i get married or until have kids...
major fail.


this couldn't be further from the truth in christian life and practice. as far as marriage and singleness go, "either is good; but neither is ultimate" (credit: jeff purswell). now, i'm not trying to conjure up the idea that any godly desire for marriage on my part is wrong. in fact, i believe everything is right about desiring a marriage that will glorify God and echo the relationship between Christ and the Church.  ... but i am also beginning to see that singleness should be treated in the church as an equally desirable way to serve and glorify the Lord. ultimately, all things should be seen in relation to the cross, since nothing is more essential than the truth it contains.>


recently, i heard the most radical thought ever. it was in a sermon by tim kerr discussing 1 corinthians 7. it's the idea that if i can serve Christ most effectively as a single, and if i can remain in that way without sinning (empowered by Christ to keep away from sexual impurity), i should pray that He would keep me single for as long as these things remain true in my life. [insert *gasp* for effect].


parts of me are like, 'yea!', but mostly i don't like this idea, actually... let me be frank: it's really starting to freak me out. haha! ... maybe it will sound weak (or maybe it will sound completely legitimate), but i'm afraid to pray, "God, keep me single if I can serve you better". because i'm afraid He'll grant the request. and it would be hard to let go of a wedding ...and a wedding night, ... and the idea of starting my own family.

i wonder... what happens if i take this thought and it all just goes it too far?  ...

but really, when i think about it, how could i possibly take the gospel further than it's already gone?

praying these lessons will blossom into fruit for His glory.

Here's a quick summary of the expository sermons and passages of scripture that have been reshaping my thinking about service to God in singleness and in marriage over the course of the last year or so...

• Helpful passages of scripture
• Hebrews 13:1,4
• 1 Corinthians 7;
• Romans 12;
• Tim Kerr ("Contentment in Singleness")
• Jeff Purswell ("A Biblical Vision for Singleness")
• David Platt, ("Secret Church: Family, Marriage, Sex and the Gospel - Part 4" - beginning @27:14)
• Joshua Harris, (Courtship Sermons, Part One & Two)
• Phil Sasser, ("A Christian Approach to Marriage")
• John Piper ("Let Love Be Genuine")

some lessons

october 4th. lessons learned.

A. talking is always better than keeping it inside.
i've been trying to talk myself out of my feelings of loneliness, rather than face being vulnerable with another person about how i felt. today i broke the silence and talked it out with a good friend. it felt really good.

B. dating doesn't have to be awkward.
i met a guy today. the whole thing was really low key and low pressure. i hope the majority of my experiences are like this. (i'm 25, but i've actually never "dated" in the technical sense before.)

interesting journey my heart's been on this past few years. i've become increasingly ready to explore that side of myself again. i went through a pretty tough break up in college and it took me a while to heal. now my heart's going through a whole new set of challenges, and everything feels ...raw. i'm pretty scared about the whole dating thing, but with all the risks i've taken of late(--some of which have majorly imploded--) i'm fine with being scared.

if nothing else comes of it, tonight was wonderfully reassuring. there are lots decent guys out there. funny that i never really looked.