i am alone; i am not alone

today i feel alone... most days, actually.

 it's like a dim ache in the center of my heart. ... but to explain it in words helps; i can begin to resolve.

okay. so i feel alone.... but, in one sense, this is true of everyone. no person is completely like another; no person can completely identify with the experience of another. in that sense, we're all 'alone' ... and that's not really a tragedy.

actually, it is the best thing that could happen for community. it creates a situation where people have both strengths and weaknesses. there has to be give and take, friction and growth. there are amazing opportunities to complement and enhance each others' lives. for a believer, it's how the Lord performs His sanctifying work in us.

but also, i recognize that my 'aloneness' is exceptional. i spend more time by myself than most people do. it's becomes really hard to feed relationships that way... i find myself 'catching up' with people rather than walking in stride with them.  i'm too busy; life's too busy, and there is no time to even cry. (actually, since i don't physically share my life with anyone, there's honestly really no one to cry with. aggggh! that sounds really sad.)

and so, i frequently find myself craving empathy. craving someone who listens. someone to laugh with, be bored with, do 'nothing' with...  cry with...

ironically, tears are slipping down my cheeks, as i type the words.
...


and now that that wave of emotion has passed, a gracious reminder has room to swell up in my heart. Christ recognizes and responds to me in my longing.

in the gospel accounts, there are so many examples of Jesus, pausing not only to heal others, but to 'see' them and be with them. The woman with the issue of blood could have just touched Christ's garment, been healed and been done. But Jesus takes the time to seek her out, asking 'who touched Me?' until He finds her. it happens also in the story of blind bartimeus. bartimeus could have been entirely drowned out by the crowd, but Jesus hears him, calls him and speaks directly with him. all through the gospels, Jesus sought the people who were the most devalued in society and spends time with them. He lived with his disciples for three years before His trial, execution and resurrection. and it becomes so clear in the example that He sets, that genuine involvement rather than functional involvement... is important to Christ. He  recognizes our need for something deeper than coexistence. and so He offers to sup with us, if we would open the door to Him. that's where it starts.

what a consolation to my lonely heart. i have fellowship with the Holy Spirit! each and every time, i reach out to Him with an open heart--(in prayer and in scripture)--He responds. He responds first by offering a picture of Himself. Bruised and broken on the cross. Enduring the very wrath of God for the sake of community with me...
... And then He responds in abundant grace, placing wonderful people in my life. truly wonderful people, when i stop to consider.  sometimes not at the level of intimacy that i desire. perhaps not who i desire, or exactly when i desire. but always in perfect time, and in ways better than i could have planned myself.

all these things give me peace. and, though i am alone, i am not alone.