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Car in Muddy Road Rut, ca. 1920 |
I'm stuck in a rut. A spiritual rut. I haven't read the Bible (in more than a cursory way) in weeks. I've been praying halfheartedly, when I do pray at all. I know my heart is all stuck in the mire and muck because absolutely everything has been irritating me. I don't let on, but my heart's gone utterly sour.
And it started with a conversation.
I came back from Haiti a bit destabilized and still processing things. A friend of mine had gone on an international trip as well. We met up to talk. We agreed that nothing teaches you about yourself like being stripped from your current context and plopped into an entirely different one. You forget the rules of your own culture for a while. You adjust and then there is a deep shock that happens once you return. I think I was a little depressed when I came home, actually. (I thought this was a bit excessive since I was only gone for a week, but explain that to my neurotransmitters and hormones.)
Anyways. About the rut-inducing part of the conversation.
I was sharing with my friend about how you feel when you worship, sing and listen to a sermon in a language you don't fully understand, yet still feel the tug of the Holy Spirit at your heart. I told her that I was affected by reading Scripture in Creole with believers who were thirsty for God's word since they didn't own a Bible themselves. I spoke about 'doing missions work'. How I believe that sharing the gospel -- Christ's triumph over the sin and death that plague us -- is the best thing I could share with anyone.
Vacant stares. Have you ever felt yourself speak and know that your words were being dismissed even as you were talking? Did you feel your audience looking down on you like your thoughts and feelings were kind of trite and pedestrian? When that happens, does the feeling nag at you like it nags me for days and days afterward?
I don't know why I let it bother me so much. In every other way the time I spent with my friend was great. Only this moment stood out as uncomfortable/frustrating. I don't know why I was (and am) angry about that particular interaction.
In my multiple mental reruns of the interaction, I'm finding that it's just one of those things that creeps up subtly... If my views can be so easily dismissed, should I trust them? My friend was once a believer. She no longer believes. We're still friends, but sometimes it's hard because there's this underlying assumption in our conversations that she's "graduated" from such small-minded pursuits and perspectives. And so, her knowing nods were followed by swift interjections to complete sentences about spiritual thoughts she's already had and long since dismissed. I could tell it wasn't her intent, but I felt patronized. All within about of half a minute of talking. There are few things that knick my pride more.
So.
Back to me stuck in this ditch. And some beautiful/tricky things about doubt.
The beautiful thing about doubt: it can keep you from walking confidently into egregious error. It can make you humble. A little self-doubt could be useful for some people. Sean Hannity. A little self-doubt can alter decisions that radically change the course of our lives (and perhaps others'). George Zimmerman.
But the tricky thing about doubt, at least for me, is that it is not content to stay in one place in my head. It starts as a frayed edge. A quiet drip. Before I know quite how, my path is flooded out and becomes impassable.
I wonder if an intact worldview is as critical for others as it is for me. I really can't function without having a clear existential sense of why I should function at all. That may seem melodramatic to some, but I'm being completely honest. I look around at my approach to work, to relationships, to life. They are quintessentially different when my wheels are caught in the mud. The changes aren't overt, but will definitely become so if I stay here.
But this is a familiar place. ... I usually just wait it out.
The path will dry out soon enough, I hope. Just need the Son to shine.
It'd also be nice to have a tow.
8 comments:
"Oh, the kindred heart, it's like heaven above." - Blessed Be the Tie that Binds
The doubts are loud and those annoyingly frustrating quiet drips may seem inevitably permanent - but kindred hearts, THOSE are what keep me going. Kin like you, my friend!
Sara Groves' twitter feed recently praised God for Easter and the ability to be free of selfishness and experience true friendship and love. When the rest of your worldview spins, remember the solidarity of your kin, the ones that speak to your soul and know that God is in that.
I thank Jesus for you often! :)
I understand this. I find it very hard to express anything resembling the evolution of my agnosticism without coming across as condescending, even though that is never my intent. I imagine it would be similar for a former atheist who speaks to a current atheist. How does one convey "I used to think as you do, but I think differently now" without sounding patronizing?
I haven't found a way to do that, sadly. However, hearing beliefs spoken as facts constantly (in politics and in conversations with friends/family) had a similar effect on me for a long time. "What's wrong with me," I'd wonder. Why don't I see these facts that others are so sure of?
I think, in any fundamental disagreement, there is the underlying (perhaps unspoken, perhaps not) knowledge that if one is right, the other must be wrong. I imagine venturing away from our respective "groups" brings us more occasions for disagreement. In my family, I am the lone person who is always understood as being "in the wrong" on theological issues. I have become more secure in my own beliefs and generally choose not to engage in those discussions often, as I think it puts those I love in a position where they feel patronized. I don't know any other way to share my beliefs without letting them know that I have rejected their beliefs. I can only hope they realize that rejection of their beliefs is not rejection of them or judgment of their choices. To each his/her own...
I think feeling as you've described is a natural result of interacting with those of different beliefs, and although it may make us uncomfortable at times, I think it's well worth the effort overall. Exposure to different beliefs and tolerance of other beliefs should never be a bad thing, in my view.
I like what you said about fundamental disagreements, Kim. To genuinely agree with and believe one view, is essentially to disagree and disbelieve the other.
On some level though, I've a different experience than you with you that piece about "rejection of others beliefs comes without judgment of their choices". I know. It sounds bad on the surface. =) I know that I try to live intentionally, and make my choices thoughtfully. So my choices are based, in some ways, on judgments of what I think is the good way to live given all the options for me... It's a really subtle implicit judgment, but I know it's there.
I can remember how sometimes me and other friends have felt a need to clear the air and to acknowledge the judgment (in both directions) for what it was instead of pretending that it wasn't there. I think being honest like that, strengthened our friendship, because we trusted each other to be honest with one another. (Honest, but not obnoxious.)
I agree with you about tolerance too. It should never be a bad thing. The more I get into situations like these--(and they happen often; grad student on a largely secular campus *points to self*), I'm trying to figure out what 'tolerance' means. Both in my treatment of others and their treatment of me, 'tolerance' has became synonymous with "stifle your smirk or your look-of-disgust and move on".
I know this may be strange, but I think there would have been more dignity and respect if my friend had told me, "I don't agree with 'x'" rather than assuming she understood me. Isn't that the weirdest thing? I mean, I wasn't looking for a full out theological debate, but just an acknowledgement of what the elephant in the room.
I think that makes sense, and it makes me rethink how I should interact with others. When people speak matter-of-factly about God being real, does my quiet nod indicate condescending scorn rather than respectful acknowlegment of their beliefs? Should I remain quiet, or voice my disagreement? Would they rather hear that I don't agree, or woud they rather have my silence?
I'm reminded of last Thanksgiving at my house. My family stood around the table and started to hold hands to pray. Rather than excuse myself, I held hands with everyone, even though I felt like they were coercing me into participating when I didn't want to (they all know my beliefs). I never said anything to anyone and eventually forgot about it, but my boyfriend recently brought it up. I mentioned having Thanksgiving at our house again this year, and he said the prayer made him really uncomfortable (he had never mentioned this before). He said he'd like to let someone know ahead of time that he would quietly slip out of the room just before the prayer so he doesn't have to participate. I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet. My family would likely respond with eye rolls if I also quietly slipped out of the room. Why can't she just bow her head, hold hands and show respect? It shouldn't be a big deal, she doesn't believe anyway. Interestingly, I really think they wouldn't think twice about my boyfriend stepping out, would even encourage him to do whatever makes him comfortable. I think in my case, though, they'd likely roll their eyes and think I was trying to be difficult or make a point.
As I said, I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet. I get what you're saying about you friend treating you with dignity and respect and I think it's different when it's a family situation. I guess it never occured to me (and may not have occured to your friend) to state my disagreement when someone speaks as though her belief is fact because I hear it all the time and don't want to sound as if I'm just purposefully being difficult.
Oh, and about the judgment of the choIces of others...I'm not going to claim there is no judgment on my part of how religious beliefs make people judge and treat others. For the most part, I try to view religion as harmless, but there are certainly some aspects of religion that I judge harshly. I'm sure, if I had kids, I would be viewed harshly for not raising my kids as Christians. I'd like to think I would honestly tell my kids my beliefs and share that there are other beliefs in the world...but would I let my family take my kids to church and teach them "facts" about the life and death of Jesus? I honestly don't know. I'm glad I won't be making that decision. I've resolved to be neutral around my brother's kids, as they are being raised Christian and I don't want to interfere with Tom's and Renata's parenting. I'm sure the time will come when they will realize that not everyone shares their beliefs and Tom and Renata will teach them about it.
I guess my point is that I think the judgment is a natural part of the disagreement. I understand that I would be judged for not raising my children as Christians. I know that my idea of what is moral doesn't line up with most Christians' idea of morality. While there may be judgment on the specifics, though, I try not to judge on the overall choice to be religious precisely because I remember all the good parts and feelings that come with being religious. I remember the sense of community and the kindness and desire to be a force of good in the world. I try very hard not to throw the baby out with the bath water.
Couldn't stay away.
"I wonder if an intact worldview is as critical for others as it is for me. I really can't function without having a clear existential sense of why I should function at all. That may seem melodramatic to some, but I'm being completely honest. I look around at my approach to work, to relationships, to life. They are quintessentially different when my wheels are caught in the mud. The changes aren't overt, but will definitely become so if I stay here."
I find this view interesting, as I'm often questioned on this aspect of my belief (or non-belief, however you view it). What is the purpose of my life if I don't believe in God, salvation, religion, etc.?
I think of myself 5 years ago, 10 years ago, 15 years ago...I am a work in progress. I imagine I'll think back on my life 10 years from now and feel the same way.
Personally, I would look at this a bit differently. I think my wheels are stuck in the mud if beliefs are never challenged. The conversations I enjoy most are the ones that make me rethink what I currently believe.
A current example for me is a debate that is currently happening in the atheist/agnostic community. A large, vocal faction (including such prominent atheists as Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens, etc.) has come to the conclusion (since 9/11) that atheists should publicly "show contempt for" and "ridicule" religion. I disagree because I find it impossible to ridicule a belief without (however unintentionally) ridiculing the believer. However, I find myself agreeing with the premise that atheists/agnostics shouldn't stay silent in the face of religion presented as fact. I've always thought it was best to stay silent when I was in the minority (which is the vast majority of the time), but the I began following the Jessica Ahlquist situation. I guess I would agree with Peter's missive to share my thoughts gently and reverently, vs. with ridicule and contempt. This is a relatively new change in my viewpoint. I've always been willing to comment and share my views when they were solicited (and I obviously feel they are solicited on a blog, LOL), but I'd like to be more open to doing what you wish your friend had done: be honest about what I think when I hear people talk about their faith. I have no doubt I will be dismissed often, but I think I'm OK with that.
hey kim!
i'm not able to really thoughtfully respond to all that you've said. I really appreciate you sharing! it's interesting to get your perspective from time to time.
i did want to say a couple things though. one, is that i hope you come to some positive conclusions about what to do in a family dynamic like yours. i could see how that would be difficult. it's weird for me to comment because i'm friends with tom and renata. i'm not sure what precisely i hope, but i hope good comes.
the second thing is that i think i changed my mind a bit about this post. when i started writing, it was an attempt at transparency. i hate pretending. it turned in to me trying to understand my own thought process and i landed on the conversation between me and my friend. i'm not sure it is all that significant now that i think it. it could have been any thing really. but ultimately my reaction to it is my own reaction. i felt like i wanted to say that to you because (even though some of the resulting reflections may be accurate) i don't want to give the impression that there's some formulaic approach to cross-epistemological communication. there aren't really any good rules, but the last thing i should be looking for is to be coddled by friends who think differently than i do. good friends will generally be respectful, but there's no need to walk on egg shells.
anyways, your responses helped me to sort that out... so thanks.
talk to you later!
I can guarantee good will come in my family situation no matter what happens because my family always ends up working things out despite the discomfort we sometime feel with our differences. We will remain close and I will likely talk to them all about it before the time comes. It's such a first-world problem to have, isn't it? Sometimes it takes something else happening to put things back in perspective for me.
Will they all leave shaking their heads at my beliefs? Maybe (probably! LOL), but I know it's well-intentioned befuddlement and I can deal with that. :)
I had my world spin a bit the last couple of days and I'm still dealing with some turmoil. I think some of my current frustration came out in the posts on your blog. Sorry that this discussion took such a turn, especially when you were trying to vet your own reactions/feelings. Focus, Kim, focus!!!
Always interesting to talk, thanks!
Best wishes for you,
Kim
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